There are many things that bring me happiness:
Hoke’s giggle
When Nattie says, “I love you, Grandma”
When my children tease one another at the dinner table
Anytime that we are all together
When Maria says, “I love you, Mom”
Long conversations with Seth
When Ryan tells us stories
Snuggling with Sarah
Driving with the music on loud
Watching people worship as I play the piano
Seeing my students play a song they love
Lunches with Christie and breakfasts with Deb
Anytime I’m teaching anything
Holding Steve’s hand
Laughing with friends
Watching Billy with Hoke and Nattie
Reading a great book
Getting up early in the morning and being alone while the house is quiet
I love all of that! And it makes me happy. Or maybe it’s better to say, I am happy and so I find great satisfaction in those things.
On the side of our refrigerator is the saying by Abraham Lincoln, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be,” and I believe that is the truth. Happiness is more about decision than circumstance. And it is the choice I make to find joy in the small things, in the relationships that I have, in the everyday blessings of my life, that make difficult circumstances tolerable.
If you depend on other people to make you happy, I promise you will be disappointed. Not because they are incapable, but because no one should bear that kind of responsibility for another person. You can decide that you will choose optimism over pessimism, kindness over anger, hope over disappointment and pleasantness over grumpiness. Those choices give you the ability to find joy in every day and to recognize it when jumps in front of you. It’s so easy to miss the things that really make for happiness; sometimes we are blind and deaf simply because we choose to be.
Choose well.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Thoughts on Hypocricy
The children of ministers have seen it all. You have known some of the kindest, most sincere people on earth. You have watched others struggle with lifelong addictions, at times overcoming, occasionally triumphing, and repeatedly falling. You, probably more than most are aware of the pretenders. And you are, most likely, among the harshest of judges.
Part of that you are likely entitled to, given your individual and collective life experience. Some of the people you trusted most have deeply disappointed you.
Still, hypocrite is a harsh label to attach to someone.
A hypocrite is defined as a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess or a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially . one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
Now, there are hypocrites who purposely, daily, try to fool the public for their own benefit. But most started out as sincere and along the way took a sharp left turn away from integrity and authenticity and toward pretension and deception.
Hypocrites aren’t made in a day. They don’t wake up one day and decide to lie. A hundred little decisions and dozens of first small, and then bigger compromises eventually bring them to the place of living two lives.
I know many people who fail to live up to what they believe. I am sometimes one of them. But that does not make us hypocrites. That makes us human. People who believe in kindness are sometimes unkind. People who believe in patience frequently lose theirs. Those who value truth sometimes don’t speak up when they know they should. Every person alive sometimes finds themselves at a place where they have failed to live up to everything they believe in, everything they aspire to.
So, is it better to aspire and believe and miss the mark or to just settle for a life void of any belief that might challenge or confront your behavior? If you have a bad temper, a nasty habit, a bitter temperament, should you just settle for living in your deep ditch, never seeking to curb your anger, conquer your addiction, and change your outlook?
You can’t know where people have come from and how far away from that place they have traveled. You can’t see the deep chasm they have been crawling out of or the issues that have stunted their progress.
Be hard on yourselves. Behave. Watch your mouth. Aspire to kindness. Be polite. Control your temper.
But give others a break. Don’t judge another’s intentions or assume that they are faking it. Maybe they slipped on the edge as they were crawling out of the ditch. Maybe they are human and fallible and prone to messing up. Like you. Like me.
Part of that you are likely entitled to, given your individual and collective life experience. Some of the people you trusted most have deeply disappointed you.
Still, hypocrite is a harsh label to attach to someone.
A hypocrite is defined as a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess or a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially . one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
Now, there are hypocrites who purposely, daily, try to fool the public for their own benefit. But most started out as sincere and along the way took a sharp left turn away from integrity and authenticity and toward pretension and deception.
Hypocrites aren’t made in a day. They don’t wake up one day and decide to lie. A hundred little decisions and dozens of first small, and then bigger compromises eventually bring them to the place of living two lives.
I know many people who fail to live up to what they believe. I am sometimes one of them. But that does not make us hypocrites. That makes us human. People who believe in kindness are sometimes unkind. People who believe in patience frequently lose theirs. Those who value truth sometimes don’t speak up when they know they should. Every person alive sometimes finds themselves at a place where they have failed to live up to everything they believe in, everything they aspire to.
So, is it better to aspire and believe and miss the mark or to just settle for a life void of any belief that might challenge or confront your behavior? If you have a bad temper, a nasty habit, a bitter temperament, should you just settle for living in your deep ditch, never seeking to curb your anger, conquer your addiction, and change your outlook?
You can’t know where people have come from and how far away from that place they have traveled. You can’t see the deep chasm they have been crawling out of or the issues that have stunted their progress.
Be hard on yourselves. Behave. Watch your mouth. Aspire to kindness. Be polite. Control your temper.
But give others a break. Don’t judge another’s intentions or assume that they are faking it. Maybe they slipped on the edge as they were crawling out of the ditch. Maybe they are human and fallible and prone to messing up. Like you. Like me.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Ten Ways to Say "I Love You"
1. Is there anything I can do to help you?
2. I'm sorry. Really sorry.
3. Thank you so much.
4. I admire you for....
5. I will do whatever it takes to make this work.
6. Please help me to understand how you feel.
7. I appreciate you.
8. Let me get that for you.
9. I love to make you happy.
10. You are the best.
2. I'm sorry. Really sorry.
3. Thank you so much.
4. I admire you for....
5. I will do whatever it takes to make this work.
6. Please help me to understand how you feel.
7. I appreciate you.
8. Let me get that for you.
9. I love to make you happy.
10. You are the best.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Consider Both Sides
In every relationship, between friends, siblings, parents and children, spouses….there will be disagreements.
Your friends will, on occasion, be hurt by something you say or don’t say.
Your husband or wife will, from time to time, want to point out, with good reason, that you are being a total and complete jerk about something.
Your siblings will, and undoubtedly have, think you have made a really stupid decision or that you’re just out of your mind.
Your children will, someday, shock you with their behavior, their mouthiness, or their general inability to deal with reality, as you see it.
And all of these disagreements go both ways…that is, you will be hurt, you will feel like your spouse is a jerk, your siblings are crazy and your parents are out of touch with reality.
So here’s the shocking truth. You are not right all the time. Every other person you live with has a “side” to the argument that you don’t or won’t see. And if they become so frustrated with your inability to understand, your reluctance to compromise, your failure to listen….that they lose it, that does not make you right and them wrong. Just ask “psycho mom.”
Think of it. Maybe you have made an issue so black and white, that there is no way to even see another’s point of view and no motivation at all for them to see yours.
It is wise to listen very well, even if it's hard to get past the words to the real meaning.
Relationships are about negotiation and compromise. The give and take makes us better people, nicer people, more considerate and less contentious.
Besides, the possiblity does exist that you could be wrong.
Your friends will, on occasion, be hurt by something you say or don’t say.
Your husband or wife will, from time to time, want to point out, with good reason, that you are being a total and complete jerk about something.
Your siblings will, and undoubtedly have, think you have made a really stupid decision or that you’re just out of your mind.
Your children will, someday, shock you with their behavior, their mouthiness, or their general inability to deal with reality, as you see it.
And all of these disagreements go both ways…that is, you will be hurt, you will feel like your spouse is a jerk, your siblings are crazy and your parents are out of touch with reality.
So here’s the shocking truth. You are not right all the time. Every other person you live with has a “side” to the argument that you don’t or won’t see. And if they become so frustrated with your inability to understand, your reluctance to compromise, your failure to listen….that they lose it, that does not make you right and them wrong. Just ask “psycho mom.”
Think of it. Maybe you have made an issue so black and white, that there is no way to even see another’s point of view and no motivation at all for them to see yours.
It is wise to listen very well, even if it's hard to get past the words to the real meaning.
Relationships are about negotiation and compromise. The give and take makes us better people, nicer people, more considerate and less contentious.
Besides, the possiblity does exist that you could be wrong.
Monday, July 23, 2007
One More Thing
It has finally happened; all my children are adults. (Quickly I want to add; at least you think you are.) Parenting-wise, I find myself at the most interesting point in life; four children, ages 18 to 29, two wonderful sons-in-law, two perfect grandchildren. One would think I would sit back and say with satisfaction, “My job is complete."
Instead, I find myself at the most treacherous place in all of motherhood: the part where I have to let go. This is infinitely more terrifying than your first step, first day of school, first date, even more frightening than when you left in the car alone for the first time (or the 100th time).
I have tried, with all my might, to live what I say and say what I live. I have made the best decisions that I knew to make and while some don’t look so good in retrospect, I am confident that I did my best at the time.
I have been thinking about some things I want to say to each of you (and all of you)...in case I didn’t say them well enough or passionately enough the first time or failed to convey their importance. In case your fingers were in your ears or your music was turned up to loud. In case you were just pretending to blow me off and you just put them away for future reference.
This time I will write it down and you can say, “this is my mother’s handbook for life,” when you take it out and reread it again and again because of how wise and insightful you will find me to be. (I hear you laughing).
Instead, I find myself at the most treacherous place in all of motherhood: the part where I have to let go. This is infinitely more terrifying than your first step, first day of school, first date, even more frightening than when you left in the car alone for the first time (or the 100th time).
I have tried, with all my might, to live what I say and say what I live. I have made the best decisions that I knew to make and while some don’t look so good in retrospect, I am confident that I did my best at the time.
I have been thinking about some things I want to say to each of you (and all of you)...in case I didn’t say them well enough or passionately enough the first time or failed to convey their importance. In case your fingers were in your ears or your music was turned up to loud. In case you were just pretending to blow me off and you just put them away for future reference.
This time I will write it down and you can say, “this is my mother’s handbook for life,” when you take it out and reread it again and again because of how wise and insightful you will find me to be. (I hear you laughing).
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