All the Kinds of Moms I Am

I wrote the following several years ago - when more of you lived at home. But I want to share it with you...

ALL THE KINDS OF MOTHERS, I AM

I’m not sure when it happened. But at some point the line that separates “your kids” and “my kids” was almost completely erased and Maria and Ryan, Seth and Sarah, just became OUR kids. It was about the same time that they stopped referring to us as “your Mom” or “your Dad” and we became “the parents.”
“Where are the parents?” “What did the parents say?” “Where are the parents taking us for dinner?”

We liked that title. All of them have other parents in other places, but as a combined force in our household, we were now THE parents.

Which brings me to the other thing I have been thinking about, trying to explain. Last Mother’s Day, Pastor began reciting a list of all the kinds of Mothers there are.

“Some of you,” he began, “are mothers because you gave birth.”
“That’s me,” I said as I nudged Steve.
“Some of you are foster mothers.”
“Been there, done that,” I whispered.
“Some of you are adoptive mothers,” he continued.
“That’s me, too.”
“Some are stepmothers.”
This time Steve nudged me as I nodded yes.”
“Some of you are spiritual mothers to those you have discipled in the faith.”
“Guess that’s me, too.”

Now as he continued I conceded that I am not yet a Mother-in-law nor a Grandmother, but still it seems that I have come to the title of “Mom” in all the ways it is possible to do that.

And each of my five children hold a place that is unique in my heart, yet at the same time equal.

There is nothing like whispering to you husband, “We’re having a baby” and seeing that look come over his face that in some ways never disappears again. Having a much-longed-for and awaited baby growing inside you is so astonishing, so utterly amazing. Neither Ryan’s nor Jeremy’s births were the result of long and arduous labor. Jeremy burst into the world in the same fashion he would later jump into every activity in his short life and Ryan, just came in his own good time and way. I remember every detail of their births and every joy of holding my two sons for the first time. I loved them before I saw them or held them. Before we were first introduced, they filled my heart and still do.

Becoming Maria’s Mom was different, but no less magical. I stood at the door as the social worker walked up my sidewalk with the three year old beauty. She wore a faded purple dress and shoes several sizes too big and in one hand she held a can of Coke while tucked under her other arm was a baby doll. At that moment I only knew that she would be with us for while and that probably she would not stay forever. I didn’t know that we would fall in love.

But one Wednesday evening as I walked into church, she turned around from her perch in the front pew and when she saw me, her brown eyes sparkling, she said the one word that hooked me forever, “Mama!”

Later she would say to the nasty boy who teased her about being adopted, “Listen, when you were born your parents were stuck with you. My Mom and Dad chose me!” But in truth, she chose us, too.

When she was still little and loved best to be “Wonder Woman,” she would say, “Mama! When I turn into Wonder Woman I’m going to get my udder-one Mom out of the cage” (her birth mother, we assumed, was in jail somewhere). And then she would always add, “And then I’ll come home.”

Becoming Maria’s mom was magical and mystical and equally amazing to loving that newborn that God made inside me.

With Seth and Sarah, it was different still. Maybe the best way to describe it is like an arranged marriage. We all came together as kind of a package deal. And while the individual packages looked really attractive, we were all aware of the huge amount of baggage tied to each one. How do six strangers become a family? That’s hard to answer. Over time, commitment turned to love, obligation faded into genuine affection and the initial awkwardness of strangers turned into the ease of true familiarity. At some point we were each overheard saying, “my Mom and Dad, my sister, my brother, my children” without that preceding disclaimer “step.”

I love Seth and Sarah with all my heart. They are the children of my heart, too. The fact that they love another Mom, too, is simply beside the point. To think that loving a step-child (or for that matter step-parent) demands that in turn they have to choose who they will love best (or instead) is in itself the polar opposite of what love is. In a recent sermon our Pastor said, “Following Jesus mean we give up the right to choose who we will love.” In a step family, loving each other means we give up the right to think of ourselves as the only one they should love.

We are an affectionate family. Maria is quick to give a lingering hug and quicker still to end every conversation with “I love you, Mom.” Ryan is playfully overly affectionate, not just with me, but with both his sisters. In fact he “loves them” until they scream. Sarah, snuggles up to me on the couch and lays her head on my shoulder. And often, as I feel a gentle hand rubbing my shoulder, I hear Seth whisper, “I love you.”

They are dear and special to me, all five of my children. And there is nothing they can do to undo that. Ever.

The One Thing

There are many things that I hope for you, but only one that really matters.

I hope you find work to do that gives you joy and enables you to make the world a better place.

I hope that your marriages are happy and that your partners love you unconditionally. I hope that you find in your spouse the comfort that makes life sweet.

I want you to know the sweetness of a marriage full of teamwork and free of competition.

I hope that you children are healthy and happy and that raising them is a joy. I hope that you provide a home for them that is safe and secure.

I hope that you have enough money to meet your needs and that you have some to help others.

I pray you will have friends that add great riches to your life and that the give and take between you will make those friendships important and enriching.

I wish for you friends that tell you the truth and stand by you even when you ignore them. I pray that you will choose your friends for their wisdom and intelligence and that your common ground will be genuine care for one another.

I pray that you will always consider one another dear friends and that you will find great joy in your relationships with one another as siblings.

All of these things, I wish, hope and pray for you. But really there is only one thing that I desperately want for each of you and for your spouses and your children.

I want you to know Jesus.

I love each of you more than I can ever express to you, but it is Jesus that is the real love of my life. His friendship, companionship, truthfulness, faithfulness, and wisdom are the most important things in my life….I can’t imagine my life without Him. Knowing Jesus is the best part of my life.

I want you to know Jesus, that’s all.

God is NOT like....

During this time of fasting, my focus has really been to pray for each of you. I always do, you know. But this is been a special, focused, intense time of connecting with God for you. And this sentence has been ringing through my head for days, like an important message that I have been instructed to deliver to you.

God is not like your dad.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

God is not indifferent; God’s love is ever and always, eternally present, He is “a very present help in time of need."

God is not forgetful of you, he is not “out of sight, out of mind,” but instead he says, “Can a woman forget her nursing child, and not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.”

God is not absent, but has promised,” I will never leave you nor forsake you and For even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, My love won’t walk away from you.”

God is not like your dad.

God is not too busy to see you, not too involved elsewhere to be present in your life. You are always in his mind. Read this: “How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand.”

God is not self-centered and self-interested in regards to you. His love is not cautious, but completely and totally extravagant. He doesn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us

God is not spiteful; He never says, “I’m done with you.” Never. God is “both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and He never, never quits.”

God is not like your dad.

God is not indifferent and disinterested. He is not so busy with other things and other people that he is unaware of you. God, high above, sees far below; no matter the distance, he knows everything about us.

God is not hard to reach, not difficult to connect with. He promises that when we call, he is already listening. When we seek Him, he is easy to find.

God does not need affirmation from you; He is already good and perfect and loving and holy and totally gracious. He just loves you without reservation.

God is not like your dad.

God’s love for you does not depend on anything you do or do not do. His love toward you is a loyal love, a chasing love, a “everlasting love.” He says, “I have called you by name, You are mine.” Rejection doesn’t faze Him. He is faithful, no matter what.

Words

I love words. Because I am a reader and a writer, I am intrigued by the "turn of a phrase." I love the proverb that says, "Well spoken words bring satisfaction."

Having just spent 9 days with 9 people staying at my house and 4 to 10 more hanging out for the holiday, I have heard a lot of words. The people in my family are, for the most part, quite verbose ("Using or containing a great and usually an excessive number of words") and so the words have flown.

We love to tease one another and one of the things I love about my family is that we do not take offense (for the most part) but enjoy in the intimacy that is contained in that kind of kidding around. It truly is a sign of affection and we all enjoy a good slam and can take them as well as we give them and be duly impressed by the skill (?) involved.

At the same time, I have always tried to be careful with my words; I believe in choosing them rather than flinging them. And so I will choose some words now, to encourage your choice of words.

Let your words be:

Gracious, not annoying or aggresive.

Pleasant, not offensive or repugnant.

Kind, not mean for the sake of being mean.

Courteous, not rude, not irritating.

Merciful, not punishing or judgmental.

Compassionate and kind, not mean-spirited.

Wise, not giving out information that should be private.

Polite, not shocking and harsh.

Tactful, never crude or purposely shocking.

I end with another proverb: Careful words make for a careful life; careless talk may ruin everything.

Happiness

There are many things that bring me happiness:

Hoke’s giggle
When Nattie says, “I love you, Grandma”
When my children tease one another at the dinner table
Anytime that we are all together
When Maria says, “I love you, Mom”
Long conversations with Seth
When Ryan tells us stories
Snuggling with Sarah
Driving with the music on loud
Watching people worship as I play the piano
Seeing my students play a song they love
Lunches with Christie and breakfasts with Deb
Anytime I’m teaching anything
Holding Steve’s hand
Laughing with friends
Watching Billy with Hoke and Nattie
Reading a great book
Getting up early in the morning and being alone while the house is quiet


I love all of that! And it makes me happy. Or maybe it’s better to say, I am happy and so I find great satisfaction in those things.

On the side of our refrigerator is the saying by Abraham Lincoln, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be,” and I believe that is the truth. Happiness is more about decision than circumstance. And it is the choice I make to find joy in the small things, in the relationships that I have, in the everyday blessings of my life, that make difficult circumstances tolerable.

If you depend on other people to make you happy, I promise you will be disappointed. Not because they are incapable, but because no one should bear that kind of responsibility for another person. You can decide that you will choose optimism over pessimism, kindness over anger, hope over disappointment and pleasantness over grumpiness. Those choices give you the ability to find joy in every day and to recognize it when jumps in front of you. It’s so easy to miss the things that really make for happiness; sometimes we are blind and deaf simply because we choose to be.

Choose well.

Thoughts on Hypocricy

The children of ministers have seen it all. You have known some of the kindest, most sincere people on earth. You have watched others struggle with lifelong addictions, at times overcoming, occasionally triumphing, and repeatedly falling. You, probably more than most are aware of the pretenders. And you are, most likely, among the harshest of judges.

Part of that you are likely entitled to, given your individual and collective life experience. Some of the people you trusted most have deeply disappointed you.

Still, hypocrite is a harsh label to attach to someone.

A hypocrite is defined as a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess or a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially . one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

Now, there are hypocrites who purposely, daily, try to fool the public for their own benefit. But most started out as sincere and along the way took a sharp left turn away from integrity and authenticity and toward pretension and deception.

Hypocrites aren’t made in a day. They don’t wake up one day and decide to lie. A hundred little decisions and dozens of first small, and then bigger compromises eventually bring them to the place of living two lives.

I know many people who fail to live up to what they believe. I am sometimes one of them. But that does not make us hypocrites. That makes us human. People who believe in kindness are sometimes unkind. People who believe in patience frequently lose theirs. Those who value truth sometimes don’t speak up when they know they should. Every person alive sometimes finds themselves at a place where they have failed to live up to everything they believe in, everything they aspire to.

So, is it better to aspire and believe and miss the mark or to just settle for a life void of any belief that might challenge or confront your behavior? If you have a bad temper, a nasty habit, a bitter temperament, should you just settle for living in your deep ditch, never seeking to curb your anger, conquer your addiction, and change your outlook?

You can’t know where people have come from and how far away from that place they have traveled. You can’t see the deep chasm they have been crawling out of or the issues that have stunted their progress.

Be hard on yourselves. Behave. Watch your mouth. Aspire to kindness. Be polite. Control your temper.

But give others a break. Don’t judge another’s intentions or assume that they are faking it. Maybe they slipped on the edge as they were crawling out of the ditch. Maybe they are human and fallible and prone to messing up. Like you. Like me.

Ten Ways to Say "I Love You"

1. Is there anything I can do to help you?
2. I'm sorry. Really sorry.
3. Thank you so much.
4. I admire you for....
5. I will do whatever it takes to make this work.
6. Please help me to understand how you feel.
7. I appreciate you.
8. Let me get that for you.
9. I love to make you happy.
10. You are the best.